The Little Pack

While Cheyenne has been competing with the baby and conflicted about his arrival, Jackson has completely defied all expectation. Jack’s reaction to the baby was a bit of a wild card. Some kids he has really loved, most he has been indifferent to, and there have been 2 children he has shown his teeth to. To say I was nervous is an understatement. But instead Jack has completely embraced the baby. When we come home, he and Cheyenne both check the baby to make sure he is has come back with me. Jack will always give the baby a quick lick on the cheek. This has become more and more enthusiastic over the past months. And now when Baby Boy puts his hand out to Jack, Jack licks it wholeheartedly. Yesterday Baby Boy immediately noticed Jackson upon waking up and put his little hand out. Jack graciously kissed it. Baby Boy smiled so big. And in response, Jack took this as an invitation and enthusiastically licked his face, much to Baby Boy’s delight. And then. Today, Jack kissed Baby Boy’s hand and Baby Boy giggled. Giggled with those sparkling eyes and adorable dimples and I thought I would just melt.

We are in such a rush for our babies to grow up and be independent.. I don’t understand it. There is such pressure in this society to get back to your “normal” pre-kid life at an alarming pace as if having a baby was nothing more than a slight inconvenience. We celebrate moms that fit back into their jeans 3weeks later, take up running or yoga again mere days later and return to their pre-child routine as soon as possible. We encourage moms to put their babies in their own cribs in their own rooms and to begin solids from the get-go. We encourage moms not to hold their babies ”too much” or help them get to sleep because they need to do it themselves. We make moms feel guilty for wanting to nuture their children by extended breastfeeding or *gasp* comforting their child in the night. I for one am calling bullshit. Having a baby rocked my world, in the best way possible.

Why are we so afraid of change? There is no way to go through this experience unchanged. Having Baby Boy has changed my perspective on, well, everything. Being a mother has made me repriotize what is in important to me, and question well, everything, including beliefs that have been part of my identity forever. It has challenged parenting styles I thought I subscribed to, made me question my behavior before having him and even changed the way I feel about some people, both for better and worse. And you know what, that is OK. It is good to analyze yourself once in awhile. I am not the easy-going, easy to laugh person I was before. And I’m OK with that even if you aren’t. I’ll admit it. My sense of humor has taken a vacation. I now have an obsessive need to plan everything, and I get anxious when things get off track. I am easily stressed, and no longer can I keep a tight leash on my emotions. But in it’s place, is the deepest sense of joy and calm I have ever felt. And on a physical level, my body, is nowhere near here it was before. I am nowhere near running again or doing yoga more than occasionally. I miss those things terribly. I miss taking my dogs for long, long walks. I miss my size 4 body. But I wouldn’t give up any of this for those things because someday all too soon, I’ll have them back and he’ll have grown. For now, I’ll let my baby be a baby and just soak up every minute. For there is no way to go through an experience like this and come out the other side as the same person. And, I for one, am not going to try to pretend that person on the other side is exactly the same.

In the days long before LM and the rest of the little pack, when we just had IO and Jack and time was less of a commodity, I would spend hours just going for long, long walks with the dogs. I would take them places where they did not need to be leashed and could just be dogs. My code phrase to them was: “Far enough.” And they would either wait up or return. I so want to say this to IO now for it feels she has strayed impossibly far.  I have always loved this picture of IO, but it speaks to me especially now. I like to think that this is really how it is, that she is somewhere simply waiting for me to catch up.

It is the simple moments that are the most profound: the dimpled smile, the joyous giggle, the quiet moments when he first falls asleep in my arms, when he pats my arm or grabs my finger I am certain that these memories will sustain me forever.